They say to err is human. But, why do most of us find it so difficult to admit it. When mistakes hurt other people’s feelings, it seems it becomes impossible to push our bruised egos and foolish pride aside for long enough to admit any wrongdoing and apologise. Moments like these create tense or awkward situations that damage valuable relationships.

Knowing how and when to apologise is one of the keys to preserving relationships. “A person who never apologises is seen as stubborn, hard-headed, insincere, and uncaring. A person who is not afraid to say "I'm sorry,” earns others’ respect. It is also easier to forgive someone who offers an apology, says apologypros.com

Some people think the correct way to apologise is simply saying “sorry” for making a mistake.

This is a shallow and poorly defined view, which misses the point of why we apologise in the first place.

“The goal of apologising and, “apologising correctly” is getting the person whose feelings you hurt to accept your apology and to forgive your actions,” says Earthlingcommunication.com’s Joshua Ubergang.

An apology is only successful when the other person accepts it and no longer holds your actions or mistakes against you. This erases negative emotions, like resentment, frustration, anger, gossip, bitterness, ill will and guilt.

When you feel these kinds of emotions, you certainly don’t feel good. It is a indication that you still have to forgive someone for something they did to hurt you. You don’t have to forgive the person; just the action, says the author of You can heal your life.

To avoid or forget about a traumatising event, people tend to hide these painful experiences (even from themselves), allowing them to fester, instead of releasing the pain and anger they believe another person’s behaviour has caused them. They try to bury their emotions deep inside, like they never existed.
As a result, people become sick. Although they consciously avoid dealing with how the event made them feel, they still carry the pain and anger around with them. These unresolved emotions literally start eating away at them.
According to Hay, unhealthy mental thought-patterns create the following common physical ailments:

Whether your relationship is stronger, the same, or worse after apologising, does not depend on the apology, but on the severity of your mistake, says Uebergang.

“If you keep on screwing up by making mistake after mistake, you may be successful in apologising when the other person forgives you. But, it doesn’t mean your relationship will be the way it was before you made the mistake,” he explains.

“We know forgiveness is a must. Without it, enormous amounts of resentment build up which only hurts the person who is unwilling to forgive; not the person whose actions created the damage,” says Uebergang.

“If another person holds on to the bitter memories and harbours resentment toward you for making a mistake, the person hasn’t really forgiven you.”

But, Doc Childre and Howard Martin from non-profit research organisation The HeartMath Solution, which demonstrated the critical link between emotion, heart function and cognitive performance – say in the long run, it's not a question of whether you deserve to be forgiven.

People do not forgive you for your sake, but for their own health and well-being. Forgiveness is simply the most energy-efficient option. It frees us from the incredibly toxic, debilitating drain of holding a grudge.

“Don't let these people live rent free in your head. If they hurt you before, why let them keep doing it year after year in your mind?” Childre and Martin ask.

It's not worth it, but it takes heart effort to stop it. “You can muster that heart power to forgive them as a way of looking out for yourself. It's one thing you can be totally selfish about.”

Uebergang notes that although forgiving and forgetting are closely linked, they are entirely different things.

Forgiveness heals the past, which releases ill will against the person. However, to forget the pain caused by others’ mistakes is almost impossible. Memories of mistakes guide our future actions. It would be foolish to not learn from the past.

The authors of The Intelligent Heart, David and Bruce McArthur disagree. “Many people are afraid to forgive, because they feel they must remember the wrong to learn from it.
They add “Through forgiveness, the wrong is released from its emotional stranglehold on us, so that we can learn from it. Through the power and intelligence of the heart, the release of forgiveness brings expanded intelligence to work with the situation more effectively.”

Uebergang points out that there is no iron-clad, fool proof, guaranteed technique to ensure an apology will be successful. You will sometimes suffer the consequences of your actions.
“An apology can only be a bandage on a wound to help heal the pain. It is not the bandage’s fault, if the wound is repeatedly opened,” Uebergang explains.

“In reality, someone can only forgive you so many times before they lose trust in you.”
So, instead of simply apologising to make amends, rather identify and deal with the underlying causes of reoccurring problems.
It is not easy to apologise correctly

According to apologypros.com three important aspects determine how an apology will be received:

1. Sincerity
   Sincerity measures how sorry you truly are more than the words you speak.
   An insincere apology can actually offend, while a sincere apology holds a lot of power to right a wrong. A sincere apology means that your apology is genuine, true, and pure.
   So before you apologise, make sure you understand that you hurt the other person and that you are truly sorry. This will come through when you make your apology.
   To improve sincerity, don't apologise too much or too soon. Step away from the conflict. Think about it. Return with an apology that you mean. You'll usually get one in return.
   
2. Taking responsibility for your actions
   Apologypros.com says an apology is true and more sincere when you state it without making excuses. Take full responsibility for your actions. "It was my fault. I take full responsibility and I'm sincerely sorry."
   
   When you add excuses to your apology ("I'm sorry. It's just been a really hard day and I'm cranky") then you are excusing the action and it removes the sincerity of the gesture.
   
   “Own up to and take responsibility for your mistakes - regardless of your intention and whether it truly hurt the person or not,” adds Uebergang.
   
   “Admit you hurt the person. If you hurt the person by saying something offensive, admit that you made a mistake.”
   
   Saying, “You shouldn’t be offended by what I said,” is a non-apology apology, which involves shifting the blame to the other person. These are other examples of non-apology apologies:
   “I apologise to those I hurt because of what I said.”
   “I’m deeply sorry for those who I have offended.”
   
   “Please take my apology if you were offended by them.”
   
   The little voice that deters us from owning up and apologising, is the ego. It gets the better of us when we allow fear-based feelings of pride to take over and prevent us from apologising.
   
3. Make a sincere promise that you'll try to do better
   "I messed up and I'm sorry. I will strive to make sure it never happens again. I love you too much."
   
   “When you apologise for something silly you did, make a sincere promise that you'll try to do better then stick to that promise. One way you grow to become a better person is by improving on your weak areas,” says Apologypros.com.
   
   To help repair relationships and heal the emotional damage our mistakes cause, Uebergang offers these additional tips on apologising correctly:

• Plan your apology
  This technique helps you to apologise sincerely.
  To increase your chances of successfully apologising, first clarify your thoughts. Plan what you are going to say; think your apology through or write it down beforehand.
  
  Planning your thoughts around your apology before going “live” will drastically increase the likelihood of success. A plan gives you guidelines on how to behave and deters you from making relationship-damaging statements, which are common in emotionally charged situations.
  
  Planning, helps to minimise the possibility of making more mistakes. People stuff up and make mistakes all the time. It is human nature.
  
  When intense emotions surface during heated arguments, “it is hard enough to think of what you want to say, let alone saying it constructively. Intense emotions prevent people from expressing their thoughts non-destructively.
  
  The same lesson in planning to achieve your life goals apply to apologising. Success stems from the seeds planted with planning. Planning nurtures “golden” relationships.

Life is all about timing
To prevent a little problem from growing into a big one, apologise straight away.
The concept is simple: If you step on someone’s foot accidentally, you should obviously apologise immediately; not at a later time in writing or until the next time you see them.
If the problem is more serious, wait until you are in a suitable environment, which will allow you to make an honest apology and make the other person feel safe enough to respond.

By trying to apologise when both parties’ tempers are flaring, you only hurt yourself and the other person more. Wait until you have both calmed down.

After apologising, it may also be necessary to give the other person time and extra space to come to terms with what has happened.

Explain why you made the mistake
It is tempting to shift the blame onto the other person when explaining your mistake, but remember to take responsibility for it.

Explain the problem, but don’t make it the other person’s problem. An example of this is when you start off by saying, “I’m sorry for not taking out the garbage.” Then your selfishness kicks in and you say, “…but I always take out the garbage and you never do.”
Use the ‘who, what, why, when, and how’ formula to help you explain your mistake. You do not need to explain everything, just say what you think will help most to clear up the misunderstanding.

Express sincere regret

Make the other person aware that you are also hurting from your mistakes. An apology is ultimately about expressing your regret for your lack of awareness of how your actions negatively affected others. You need to express regret for how your behaviour made the other person feel.

Share the other person’s pain by reflecting on your feelings about the mistake and saying something as simple as: “I’m sorry I lied to you. I feel foolish for letting you down.”
The other person will be more understanding and willing to discuss their feelings when you express yours.

Expressing regret for putting others in difficult or uncomfortable situations is also an aspect of a good apology. For example:
“Having scratched the car, I feel ashamed that something so careless will hurt our finances.”
“I feel I have let you down and hurt our relationship by yelling at you.”

Don’t take a failed apology personally. It has nothing to do with you. “Failure is a result not a person,” says Uebergang.

If your apology is successful, be grateful for the person’s forgiveness and for being given a second chance. Your relationship may even become stronger than it was before.

To sincerely apologise is a humbling experience, which makes you more aware of your own and others’ feelings.

Useful links:

• Links to Joshua Uebergang’s five part “Clumsy Little Earthlings” course” on apologising
• Power of Apologizing
• Barriers and Mistakes Made in Apologizing
• How to Apologize Correctly
• Alternative Ways of Apologizing
• Finding the Art of Forgiveness

SOURCENOTE: University of Pretoria’s Gordon Institute of Business Science; www.gibsreview.co.za